october feels

it's October 1st. but wait lol you knew that sorry.

first off it's Wednesday and I just withdrew from a 3 credit class. 

the old Ishel would be freaking out, crying hysterically, worrying about future interviews and thinking of reasons to explain the huge W on my transcript.

but right now, as the present Ishel, I feel so calm and relieved.

My usual credit hour amount is 17.5 and I literally have no idea how I did it for two and a half years.
and now I'm like ONE LESS CLASS LET'S PARTAY!

I sat and watched the sunset for a little while on Monday night. it seemed to me that God put that sunset in front of me as I walked home to remind me that He's in charge. He made this gorgeous sunset. He made me and my sister and He made the cancer that is inside of her. this sunset helped me see that I need to stop trying to control everything because I can't. but He totally can and does.

It has taken my sister getting cancer for me to learn how to really  s l o w d o w n  and focus on the present. I'm learning to live through each emotion that comes with this. holding back and bottling it all up inside is tempting and safe but destructive. It hurts relationships.

I am trying to learn how to take things off my plate (as an overachiever this can be difficult, near impossible). but after two weeks of living with the fact that my sister has cancer I know that everything from this point on will be different, so I need to start living differently.

so thank you to this blog for being my therapist. thank you to my teachers for cutting me some slack. thank you to God for being there. and most of all thank you to everyone's love and support it is LITERALLY keeping us alive!

finding silver linings

so hey there, it's been a minute.
life's been a little crazy lately. 

this week has been 102030500302x better than the one before. 

I have felt peace and comfort more than I ever have in my entire life. there's so much to be happy about! like the fact that I get to take time off work and school just to hangout with Sarah Kay.  seriously being Sarah Kay's nurse is the best. all we do is eat good food and watch funny videos. we keep humor in our lives through ever aspect of social media. I love that we have found how to have joy through this cancer thing. 

this week I realized that I need to let my anger go, start praying again and definitely keep laughing through this hard trial. God wants me to be happy

He wants Sarah Kay to be happy. He wants all of his children to be so so happy. and yeah I'm still allowing myself some breakdowns but I'm working on finding the silver living in all of this. 

one hard decision that has turned into the greater blessing is the fact that I decided not to serve a mission. I honestly felt impressed not to serve. when I was pressured and asked why I wasn't serving a mission I would reply calmly that I didn't feel like I should go so I didn't the end. It was rough being a bit ostracized and seeing literally every single one of my girlfriends leave. I felt like maybe I wasn't living up to what God planned for me. 

but I couldn't deny that I felt impressed not to serve. I realize now that if I had left, I wouldn't be right here in utah ready and able to take care of Sarah Kay. 

there are so many incredible experiences that have made it possible for me to attend BYU and be in Utah right now at this time in my life. I am right here for sarah Kay and Derek I mean like WHOA it is all coming together. 

today my amazing visiting teachers shared a quote by President Brigham Young and it just made sense:

"All intelligent beings are crowned with crowns of glory immortality, and eternal lives must pass through every ordeal appointed for intelligent beings to pass through, to gain their glory and exaltation. Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered...to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord... Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation." 

I'm so glad for the atonement of my Savior. I know that Jesus felt every single emotion I have felt in the past two weeks. He's been with me and will continue to be with me. I know he felt everything Sarah kay and Derek have gone through and have yet to go through. I know this cancer thing is exactly what our family is meant to go through right now. I know he is there for me and my family right now and forever. 

Life is so good you guys. There is so much to be grateful for. 

why write?.....

why am I writing?

well...

it's been a week since my 22 year old sister Sarah Kay was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma cancer. over the weekend our family had a little chat.

with our family being on the other side of the continent, it makes sense to have a space dedicated to sharing tidbits of our lives with them.
so during our chat my mom announced she is going to start to write, sarah kay announced she is going to start to write.....and I agreed to maybe think about writing....

I was hesitant.
more than hesitant actually.

I don't feel as though I have ever classified myself as a writer. I've always been the dancer, the artist, the family clown. never the 'writer'. also, blogs are so personal in my opinion. it is literally the recording of your very own feelings for the entire internet to read, analyze and judge.

but once I began transforming my feelings into words, I instantly would feel better. this really is therapeutic. when aaaall my feeling are suddenly are right there in font size 12-- I feel like a small heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders and placed onto the page. 

I didn't realize how much I had to say either.
I have all of this anger, heartbreak, frustration, sadness, gratitude and scary unknown thoughts stuck inside of me. writing helps me to let them go one by one.

When Sarah was diagnosed last monday, I felt strongly that I needed to document this struggle while it's happening. I need to chronicle these events and fill a space full of photos, videos, Beyoncé gifs, grumpy cat memes, emotional stories and what gets us through the hard times. I'm someday going to share all of this with my children and grandchildren so where better to keep this information than the internet?

so in a nutshell, that's what this blog is all about.

a collection of my thoughts and experiences pertaining to my life at the current moment. and currently I'm struggling with this cancer thing. seeing my sister have to go through this emotional roller-coaster is rough.

I don't want Sarah Kay to go through this. I really don't, I want to take care of her and protect her and make her life as easy as possible. and if writing about the ups and downs makes this cancer thing a little easier for us to wrap our heads around, then let's start!