october feels

it's October 1st. but wait lol you knew that sorry.

first off it's Wednesday and I just withdrew from a 3 credit class. 

the old Ishel would be freaking out, crying hysterically, worrying about future interviews and thinking of reasons to explain the huge W on my transcript.

but right now, as the present Ishel, I feel so calm and relieved.

My usual credit hour amount is 17.5 and I literally have no idea how I did it for two and a half years.
and now I'm like ONE LESS CLASS LET'S PARTAY!

I sat and watched the sunset for a little while on Monday night. it seemed to me that God put that sunset in front of me as I walked home to remind me that He's in charge. He made this gorgeous sunset. He made me and my sister and He made the cancer that is inside of her. this sunset helped me see that I need to stop trying to control everything because I can't. but He totally can and does.

It has taken my sister getting cancer for me to learn how to really  s l o w d o w n  and focus on the present. I'm learning to live through each emotion that comes with this. holding back and bottling it all up inside is tempting and safe but destructive. It hurts relationships.

I am trying to learn how to take things off my plate (as an overachiever this can be difficult, near impossible). but after two weeks of living with the fact that my sister has cancer I know that everything from this point on will be different, so I need to start living differently.

so thank you to this blog for being my therapist. thank you to my teachers for cutting me some slack. thank you to God for being there. and most of all thank you to everyone's love and support it is LITERALLY keeping us alive!