finding silver linings

so hey there, it's been a minute.
life's been a little crazy lately. 

this week has been 102030500302x better than the one before. 

I have felt peace and comfort more than I ever have in my entire life. there's so much to be happy about! like the fact that I get to take time off work and school just to hangout with Sarah Kay.  seriously being Sarah Kay's nurse is the best. all we do is eat good food and watch funny videos. we keep humor in our lives through ever aspect of social media. I love that we have found how to have joy through this cancer thing. 

this week I realized that I need to let my anger go, start praying again and definitely keep laughing through this hard trial. God wants me to be happy

He wants Sarah Kay to be happy. He wants all of his children to be so so happy. and yeah I'm still allowing myself some breakdowns but I'm working on finding the silver living in all of this. 

one hard decision that has turned into the greater blessing is the fact that I decided not to serve a mission. I honestly felt impressed not to serve. when I was pressured and asked why I wasn't serving a mission I would reply calmly that I didn't feel like I should go so I didn't the end. It was rough being a bit ostracized and seeing literally every single one of my girlfriends leave. I felt like maybe I wasn't living up to what God planned for me. 

but I couldn't deny that I felt impressed not to serve. I realize now that if I had left, I wouldn't be right here in utah ready and able to take care of Sarah Kay. 

there are so many incredible experiences that have made it possible for me to attend BYU and be in Utah right now at this time in my life. I am right here for sarah Kay and Derek I mean like WHOA it is all coming together. 

today my amazing visiting teachers shared a quote by President Brigham Young and it just made sense:

"All intelligent beings are crowned with crowns of glory immortality, and eternal lives must pass through every ordeal appointed for intelligent beings to pass through, to gain their glory and exaltation. Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered...to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord... Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation." 

I'm so glad for the atonement of my Savior. I know that Jesus felt every single emotion I have felt in the past two weeks. He's been with me and will continue to be with me. I know he felt everything Sarah kay and Derek have gone through and have yet to go through. I know this cancer thing is exactly what our family is meant to go through right now. I know he is there for me and my family right now and forever. 

Life is so good you guys. There is so much to be grateful for. 

why write?.....

why am I writing?

well...

it's been a week since my 22 year old sister Sarah Kay was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma cancer. over the weekend our family had a little chat.

with our family being on the other side of the continent, it makes sense to have a space dedicated to sharing tidbits of our lives with them.
so during our chat my mom announced she is going to start to write, sarah kay announced she is going to start to write.....and I agreed to maybe think about writing....

I was hesitant.
more than hesitant actually.

I don't feel as though I have ever classified myself as a writer. I've always been the dancer, the artist, the family clown. never the 'writer'. also, blogs are so personal in my opinion. it is literally the recording of your very own feelings for the entire internet to read, analyze and judge.

but once I began transforming my feelings into words, I instantly would feel better. this really is therapeutic. when aaaall my feeling are suddenly are right there in font size 12-- I feel like a small heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders and placed onto the page. 

I didn't realize how much I had to say either.
I have all of this anger, heartbreak, frustration, sadness, gratitude and scary unknown thoughts stuck inside of me. writing helps me to let them go one by one.

When Sarah was diagnosed last monday, I felt strongly that I needed to document this struggle while it's happening. I need to chronicle these events and fill a space full of photos, videos, Beyoncé gifs, grumpy cat memes, emotional stories and what gets us through the hard times. I'm someday going to share all of this with my children and grandchildren so where better to keep this information than the internet?

so in a nutshell, that's what this blog is all about.

a collection of my thoughts and experiences pertaining to my life at the current moment. and currently I'm struggling with this cancer thing. seeing my sister have to go through this emotional roller-coaster is rough.

I don't want Sarah Kay to go through this. I really don't, I want to take care of her and protect her and make her life as easy as possible. and if writing about the ups and downs makes this cancer thing a little easier for us to wrap our heads around, then let's start!

punching cancer in the face

this summer was unforgettable to say the least.

lots of smiles, good loud laughs, memories, tears, heartbreak, fresh starts and new beginnings.

my little bigger brother JJ is now Elder Brimhall, serving his LDS mission in the Philippines for 2 whole years. he is such an example of selflessness and unconditional love. we are so excited to skype him in december and catch up on his mission life!

my family helped me coordinate and teach a week long art camp for kids in our area. basically combining my two favorite things: art and kids=BEST WEEK EVER!

those kiddos created such wonderful pieces of art it made my soul sing.

NYC was rad too. JJ and i just ran around the city doing whatever we wanted. like eating street hot dogs and playing in FAO Schwartz.

so summer was grand.

now were back to school and life and work and responsibilities!

on a different note, there are lots of changes happening right now.

sarah's got cancer now. so there's that. my sister. my 22 year old health fanatic sister has Hodgkin's lymphoma.

my whole life seems to be spinning, speeding up and slowing down at the same time.

we're coping with it, whatever that means. for me that means lots of crying, hugging, laughing and writing. 

so here we go, let's punch cancer in the FACE! 

NYC hangs

NYC

at the end of August my little bigger brother and I were able to take a week and visit my sister Sarah Kay and her husband Derek in the big apple!

we soaked up all the art we could at the metropolitan museum of art in central park.

these lovebirds couldn't be more perfect for the city.

we partied in Times Square with strangers.

ate Scandinavian candies

this premissionary had the best time photographing the city and exploring.

we partied so hard. we even danced disco at a club.

me and my bro. this trip was exciting and enlightening and exhausting and unforgettable. can't wait to party again with my missionary bro when he gets back.