she's a tree

stream of consciousness poem

Day of diagnosis

September 15th 2014
Monday afternoon with Sarah Kay

I'm sitting here on the porch looking up at the trees

on a beautiful completely normal September afternoon

except it isn't normal
everything has been ripped open and twisted

earlier

I came over after school and saw Sarah Kay 

she had called me and told me the diagnosis
she had been alone some of the day 

dealing with it

I walk into her and Derek's apartment smiling

bearing comfort food; dill pickles 

we laugh and joke and small talk for approximately two minutes

nothing is wrong
we casually chat
we are nonchalant

cancer is so whatever

we sit on her bed and suddenly
the world slips away and
we both break

we begin to weep in each others arms

it lasts a while
then we laugh 
and cry some more
it is so surreal

what is happening, what is cancer, what is death, what do we do

I've never held her like that 

she was like a small bird

so little
so fragile

so scared

scared of the future and what cancer means for her

I'm her younger sister

she's supposed to hold me when tears come

this is all wrong

it makes no logical sense because

today was just another Monday
just another beautiful completely normal September afternoon

Cancer 

Hodgkin's Lymphoma 
what is that

what does that even mean

I don't really know

blood cells or something

doctors had their suspicions for weeks now

we hoped it was only mono

I already cried about the possibility like a week ago
sobbed in my room thinking about how this could change her life
change my life
change all of our lives
why are there more tears

nothing prepared me for today
the actual diagnosis

my head is swimming

eyes swollen

tear streaked and sweaty 

can't talk 

or think straight

trying to take it all in

our whole world has changed in one beautiful completely normal September afternoon

sitting here on the porch looking up at the trees 

can't really fathom that this situation is really life or death

like what if my sister dies
could she die?

she could die
I would die
chances are slim though, thank you God
because what would I do

what would Derek do
what would Mom and Dad do

how would we cope

how

then I realize
we have no time to worry about her dying
I push that scary unknown out of the list of options

life or death

no
only life
just life

I'm committed to stepping up my game
I feel like her soldier
her warrior
the great Herakles taking on the cancer gorgon

I'm taking care of her

I'm her sister and friend more than I ever was 

we're going to see Beyonce perform live

we're going back to visit NYC

we're going to lay on a beach together
she's going to see me dance 

she's going to laugh at my dumb jokes

we will tease mom and sing 80's songs with dad

we will eat food in Switzerland

we will cook pizzas on friday nights

we will spend Christmas holidays together

we will graduate together
she'll come to my art classrooms

she'll be there when I fall in love
she'll hold me when I am hurting

she'll be at my wedding 

she'll cuddle my babies and we'll weep if she's barren 

and then wipe our tears and rejoice for adoption

I'm still sitting here alone on the porch looking up at the trees 

on this beautiful completely normal September afternoon
we are all exhausted from the day
Sarah and Derek are napping and I am 
crying 

shaking
worrying
breathing 

thinking
praying

can't help thinking how dramatic this is

am I reacting correctly to this news? 

I don't know anything
I don't know anything

I'm just looking up at these trees 

realizing they have survived after countless storms and quakes and droughts

all those trials made them stronger

my sister Sarah Kay 

she's a tree 

she has roots 

good, strong roots

stalwart support from incredible family and friends

we are all going to water her 
we are going to take excellent care of her
keep the cancer away from her branches

she's not going to die

she's just going to become stronger

because she's a tree

Ishel Brimhall