fifty days

fifty days since diagnosis


it's a funny thing when your life changes
it can change with a new job, a new place, a relationship or a loss
sometimes you don't even realize it's changing

but other times, 
everything stops and stands still while your brain waits for you to accept this life changing event


cancer


this tiny, two syllable word changed our lives in one afternoon

there is no guide to handling cancer
there isn't a master guru to consult
each experience is different and unique
it is a personal and individual battle
I can't fight my sister's cancer for her
as much as I wish I could take her pain and put it on my body
she is the least deserving of this
yet has to fight this disease

it is something you cannot control
it takes hold on your body
it infects your cells
you try to push through it
get over it
it's not a big deal

well

this is a big deal

this thing
this disease
it hurts
it kills
it destroys life
it can destroy spirit too
if you let it

so what?
what has gotten us though this struggle so far?
people
family
prayers
blessings
words
hugs
hands
tears
smiles
laughs
lots and lots of laughs

we are positive
we are optimistic even!
we hope for the best
but that certainly doesn't mean that we still don't cry about it
or that it hurts our hearts to see sarah kay in pain
or that we wish it would just go away so she can heal

it is still a struggle
writing all this out helps
the emotions
the hurt
the silver linings
it really does heal
slowly
and sometimes quickly

our lives are changing
and they are not finished changing
there is still so much to conquer
this path is hard and sometimes impossible
but we made it fifty days so far!

so basically we can handle anything
right?