just your average emotional metaphor post

I love the ocean. I'm really a mermaid so there's that. I grew up on the beach. I cannot remember a summer when I didn't sleep in the sand, whether it was in Florida, Virginia Beach or Acapulco. 

my absolute favorite thing to do in the ocean is to float on my back and stare at the sky. to me, this is the most relaxing and peaceful place I have ever been physically and mentally. my happy place. 

--switch gears--

two weeks ago a good friend was willing to be my therapist for a night. he listened to all my thoughts, fears, frustrations and worries about my sister going through chemotherapy. at the end of my rant he gave me a lot of advice. he told me that I need to commit to letting myself experience every single emotion that comes into my life during this journey.

this really hit me.

because there are TONS of emotions going on like sometimes the injustice gets to me and I get so angry that my sister, the healthiest woman I know of, has this horrible, sickly disease
sometimes I feel somber as I think about what this cancer means for her and Derek's future
sometimes I feel relaxed and forget about cancer for almost an entire day
sometimes I feel like I can't do anything about anything so what's the point
sometimes I feel so happy and that everything is okay and is going to be okay
sometimes I feel sick leaving Sarah Kay because what if she will suddenly hurts and I'm not there
sometimes I feel inadequate to be caring for my sister because of my fainting disorder
sometimes I feel so happy when her, Derek and I watch funny videos and laugh together
sometimes it hurts my heart to see my sister so weak and in pain
and then through it all sometimes I catch myself smiling the entire day because I realize we are surrounded by so much love, from our family and friends and from the Heavens. 

I've begun to picture my happy place (floating in the ocean--see? I'm tying it all together) when I am overwhelmed with everything. I am also committing to feeling all these emotions flow through me. The ocean waves represent this crazy hard trial we are going through and right now I'm just floating. 

I won't myself bottle them up inside anymore. It hurts not only me but the relationships I have with others. It honestly is just a huge mess when they all explode at once. I'm learning how to let go and let myself feel al of these emotions, good and bad. Each of the feelings that I'm experiencing are important because they each play a part in molding me into my best self.


so there's that. 

now back to the ocean, let's go to the beach!

weekend update

shout out to Saturday Night Live for the perfect blog post title

(if you're lost watch the ultimate greatest SNL Weekend Update right here)

and with that taken care of, here's my weekend in photos: 

exercising and stuff.

BABIES. this is the highlight photo of the weekend. 

jumping for joy cause it's CONFERENCE WEEKEND

  

A toast to you President Monson!

checking out the view of SLC from Ensign Peak. I have this thing for sunsets and also Mike so it was a lovely night altogether. 

we danced and partied with Neon Trees at their free concert in Provo so that was rad.

guys it was such a wonderful weekend. 

october feels

it's October 1st. but wait lol you knew that sorry.

first off it's Wednesday and I just withdrew from a 3 credit class. 

the old Ishel would be freaking out, crying hysterically, worrying about future interviews and thinking of reasons to explain the huge W on my transcript.

but right now, as the present Ishel, I feel so calm and relieved.

My usual credit hour amount is 17.5 and I literally have no idea how I did it for two and a half years.
and now I'm like ONE LESS CLASS LET'S PARTAY!

I sat and watched the sunset for a little while on Monday night. it seemed to me that God put that sunset in front of me as I walked home to remind me that He's in charge. He made this gorgeous sunset. He made me and my sister and He made the cancer that is inside of her. this sunset helped me see that I need to stop trying to control everything because I can't. but He totally can and does.

It has taken my sister getting cancer for me to learn how to really  s l o w d o w n  and focus on the present. I'm learning to live through each emotion that comes with this. holding back and bottling it all up inside is tempting and safe but destructive. It hurts relationships.

I am trying to learn how to take things off my plate (as an overachiever this can be difficult, near impossible). but after two weeks of living with the fact that my sister has cancer I know that everything from this point on will be different, so I need to start living differently.

so thank you to this blog for being my therapist. thank you to my teachers for cutting me some slack. thank you to God for being there. and most of all thank you to everyone's love and support it is LITERALLY keeping us alive!